alliant

Leadership Quotes

Thank you to John C. Maxwell - leadership guru , from whose newsletter I gathered these quaotations.

Quotes of the Month 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in
any given set of circumstances."
- Victor Frankl

"People don't care how much you know - until they know how much
you care."
- John C. Maxwell

"When rejecting the ideas of another, make sure you reject only
the idea and not the person."
- Author Unknown

"It is impossible for a man to begin to learn what he thinks he
already knows."
- Epictetus

"A good leader is a person who takes a little more than his share
of the blame and a little less than his share of the credit."
- Author Unknown

"A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the
crowd."
- Author Unknown

"No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself -
or to get all the credit for doing it."
- Andrew Carnegie

"A great man is always willing to be little."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Vintage Job Adverts

Desktop Support Wunderkind

Computers, it must be said, smell terrific right out of the box. It’s that rich, soft fragrance of treated plastic, fresh metal and chemical residue. For some people, there’s nothing better on earth than lugging home a new piece of kit, slicing open the taped seals with an orange box-cutter, and sliding that baby out, cradled gently in a Styrofoam cage and swaddled in anti-static bags. There’s the intrinsic joy involved in carefully unwrapping each component, unlooping various metres of cable and setting it all up just right. Just look at it. It looks so new and amazing, so unique. It’s as though you’re the only person in the world, right at that time, possessing that exact piece of equipment. It’s not a mass-produced device, consumed by the unwashed crowds like a toaster or one of those ridiculous hair-curling devices, but a unique and beautiful snowflake, completely yours.

For some, though, the fantasy stops right there. For others it doesn’t even start. The latter group will use the mouse as a walkie-talkie (“Hello computer? Hello?”) and wonder why they can’t water the pot plants that they keep perched on top of the monitor without the screen going on the fritz. Sometimes they ask “Has it got the internet in it?” A select few are too deficient to even work out how to plug it in, even though everything is colour coded and the instructions are quite straightforward.

Living, as we do, in the year 2003 A.D. and not knowing how to use a computer is akin, I would imagine, to living in 10,000 B.C. and not knowing how to use a rock*. But some people still choose to live their lives at a profoundly advanced level of computational witlessness, and that’s where the Desktop Support people come in. It’s remedial learning time for the techno-dolts. I call them Computo-Stupids.

Computo-Stupids can be quite pugnacious when it comes to admitting exactly how insensate they really are. But it’s not our job to be judgemental of Computo-Stupids. After all, their limited faculties must be put to use doing other things, such as “food getting”, “doing sleep” and “toilet having”. Also they like to grunt. A lot.

    The Computo-Stupids need your help. Are you up to the challenge?

Quality Desktop Support professionals with plenty of experience and tertiary learnin’ required by this magnificent organisation. The successful candidates will possess the following stuff:

  # Impeccable oral and written communication skills, and a kindly, patient and friendly phone manner

  # A commitment to excellence with a strong customer focus

# Flexibility, coupled with logic, coupled with first class troubleshooting ability, to form some kind of mutated approach to quality technical support

  # The capacity to work unsupervised and under pressure

  # Comprehensive, encyclopaedic desktop support knowledge of Microsoft Windows 9x/NT/2000 and Backoffice products

  # Solid practical knowledge of LAN/WAN concepts and related support issues

  # Extensive Lotus Notes experience

  # A handful of SAP experience ideal, though not mandatory

  # A background in Desktop Support within a large-scale corporate environment, with a large user base

  # Consultative ability.

    3 month contract. South Eastern suburbs (own transport a good idea). $30 per hour commensurate with experience.

Think you’re up to it? Do you think you can help the Computo-Stupids? Just look into their big, brown, wet and empty eyes and tell me that you don’t feel at least compassion for them, if not full-scale pity. Is it really you to let something suffer like that? End their misery. Learn them the Computo.

    Apply now, or call Gary Fernandes for more information.

    *Hint: It’s for bashing.

"Vintage" Job Adverts

Web Developer

So you were a top Web Developer, once, many years ago, until the "correction". Now nobody cares and you are shunned in public, much as lepers were in the fifteenth century. Your modern-day equivalent of the chiming bell and vile burbling exclamations of "Unclean! Unclean!" is the obnoxious ringtone on your expensive mobile. There's a good chance you listen to either Sisters of Mercy and Bauhaus or elaborate Paul Oakenfold remixes, with a bit of bootlegged Chemical Brothers thrown in for good measure. Maybe you find yourself missing the ashtray completely, and your ESC through F3 keys are thoroughly clogged up with burned, cancerous grey flakes. For better or for worse, you're familiar with such repugnant images as goatse.cx and know what STFU means. In all probability your beverage of choice is Jolt/Columbian Cola, and you have the weeping stomach ulcers to prove it. You give copies of Photoshop 7.0 to your friends, thereby depriving a fat CEO somewhere of a heated driveway. You have a world-crushing collection of MP3s. Your author of choice: Neal Stephenson or William Gibson. You have every volume of Gaiman's Sandman series, though you decided after Volume III that it`s all a bit of a w**k. Sometimes, you pretend you are in The Matrix. Your half-elf mage/rogue is at Level 9, and has actually worked out how to put a Bag of Holding within another Bag of Holding without imploding Ravenloft. You can pronounce "Urotsukidoji" without hurting yourself, and can rocket-jump better than anyone you know. You have a bit of an attitude when it comes to Windows XP, and you like to recompile kernels.

Your spine looks like a u-bend.

Others may call you freakish. We call you lovely. And in reward for your loveliness, we would like to offer you this mildly exciting opportunity, if your idea of excitement is a RAM upgrade:

This is a fun little two week contract for a reasonably experienced Web Developer with plenty of HTML (well, duh), JavaScript and ASP know-how. Ideally you will also be fluent in the, and I quote, "uploading of ASP pages from a SAP business connector". I said that out loud and Shub-Niggurath appeared and attempted to devour my soul through some impressive shambling and ominous tentacle-writhing, so I won't investigate it any further.

But anyway, that's the deal. Either you like it or you don't, and we're not about to tell you either way. It's a two week contract for a company here in the city, and will probably be paying about $25 per hour, commensurate with experience. So apply now (or don't), or call Gary Fernandes for more information.

Alliant is GROWING!!

Junior   Sales / Recruitment Consultant

* Full   training!
* Fun   environment
* Great   learning opportunity

Are you a Floor salesperson   keen to deal with an entirely different class of individual (i.e. not   idiots)? Or a telemarketer tired of the anonymity and limited bathroom breaks   that such a role entails? Well, should you successfully obtain this   tremendously awesome new position with Alliant (twelve time winner of the   Alliant Weekly Self-Congratulation Award), not only will you not have to deal   with uninformed jerks who think they know more about mobile phones than you   do, but you can go to the toilet as much as you like! Because if there's one   thing that we at Alliant believe, it's that 'You Can't Stop The Music (Nobody   Can Stop The Music)', with "music" in this case meaning "the   need to go".

Undergoing the sort of growth   spurt usually evident only in certain types of mushroom, Alliant is presently   on the lookout for some fresh and enthusiastic talent, with no stomach ulcers   or secret grudges being harboured, so that they may be trained to become wise   in the mysterious ways of professional recruitment, initially by doing all   the rubbish jobs that nobody else can be bothered doing, but eventually by   speaking directly with candidates to gauge such tangibles as skillsets,   availability, environmental suitability (with summer now looming warmishly on   the horizon, it is expected that you shall not recommend any candidates made   of ice), etc.

You shall be responsible for   maintaining a developing our database of candidates, interviewing candidates,   wooing candidates, likely even touching candidates (in appropriate places,   naturally, such as their hand when you shake it). You will be working with a   number (two is, after all, a number) of individuals who between them have   something like a six hundred and three years of recruitment experience, and   who have seen everything: the highs, the lows, and most importantly, their   even-expanding middles. Rest assured that you will be in good hands with this   team of happy-go-lucky scamps, who are serious about their business, but   don't take their business too seriously. It is, after all, possible to be a   professional without being a mummy.

The sort of person we're   looking for shall be an extroverted people person, keen to get in there and   up to their elbows in, er, people, and also you should have exceptional   written and verbal communication skills. This is a perfect role for somebody   who is keen to get into recruitment but hasn't yet figured out a way, or been   given the opportunity – Alliant is quickly establishing itself as a recruiter   in a class of its own, with a new, non-zombie attitude and an exciting,   non-boring outlook on the recruitment industry. Because boring people suck,   especially if they are zombies. Or vampires, which suck more, but in a   different way.

A basic knowledge of I.T and   general computer skills will be highly advantageous.

(*) Statement may contain   certain inaccuracies, to be revealed on your first day of work.

Apply now, or call Gary or Kylie for further intelligence   - 03 9863 8665

Email: Please click the 'Apply Now' button below.

BDM - Corporate Sales WIreless Data Mobility Solutions

NEW permanent role (5th September, 2006) for the very best Telco BDM's...ATTENTION SENIOR TELCO BDM's - we don't have this role exclusively - a couple of other agencies are running with this job but disregard them - CALL US at ALLIANT for your crack at this gig.
You know  we CAN'T promise to get you $50k per year more, for the same job than any other agency! But ADMIT IT - you have read the advert for the role - (unless you are mortally offended by our tasteless attempt at outrageous humour),  wouldn't you rather deal with a recruiter with a semblance of a sense of humour than a faceless, soul-less, grey suited, grey shirted and grey tied recruiter who has forgotten what it's like to put your heart and soul on the line (the phone line that is) every minute of the day.

Call Alan on 0418 504 889 - THIS IS A GREAT JOB for an experienced Senior Telco BDM

Real women working in IT

Have you done your bit to support the "de-geekification" of Australian women in IT?  Have you ordered your copy of the "Screen Goddess" calendar ?
This calendar has certainly caused some polarisation in the IT business - I say good work, life can be dull and boring - these ladies have stepped outside the ordinariness and had some fun putting this together...Order your calender now by linking to the "Screen Goddess" web-site now

A Question from a Senior Advertising and Communication Specialist

Hi,

How's life in Melbourne? Forgive the intrusion but somehow I have a feeling you a) won't mind and b) be used to this otherwise you wouldn't have written those ads.

The jury's out on your ad-writing style according to the blogs, so are you famous or infamous? Not sure...You've been around for a while though so you haven't been sacked yet - or do you own Alliant and sack yourself once a week which is why you're so fed up and slightly belligerent about it all?

Personally, I laughed out loud. Love your ads and they liven up an otherwise often staid industry. And our graphic design wants a date with you. However, merely out of a geeky and slightly perverse curiosity what kind of results do you get to your ads?

Many thanks, I wait with baited breath.

Kind regards,

E.
E G
Senior Advertising & Communications Specialist
(National Australian REcruitment organisation)

(Contact Details witheld)

"Rediculous" you say Mark?

Received 31st August 6:50pm

Applicant Name:
================
Mark S.

Contact:
================
Phone: (London Number - witheld)
Email: email supplied but witheld

Cover Letter:
=================
Read this ad.  Are you serious????Can't begin to know where to start with how rediculous (sic) this advert is.  Does your client know that this is how you have represented them??  Get a life mate

Resume:
=================
No resume is attached to this job application.

End of Job Application:
=================

A nod and a wink from UK/Scotland

Received 31st August 8:15pm

Applicant Name:
================
James S.

Contact:
================
Phone: Details WItheld
Email: 

Cover Letter:
=================
Mate,  I work for Spxxxx Technology in Scotland, we are the market leading UK IT resourcing agency. Your adverts are legendary, I wish I could get away with the same over here!! Keep up the good work bod!!

Resume:
=================
No resume is attached to this job application.

End of Job Application:
=================
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Received 31st August 6:24pm

Applicant Name:
================
Ed C.

Contact:
================
Phone: UK Phone number
Email: ed.c  investigo.co.uk

Cover Letter:
=================
Ledgend!

Resume:
=================
No resume is attached to this job application.

End of Job Application:
=================

London Recruiter tries to "poach" Alliant Staff!

Received 1st September, 5:49PM

Applicant Name:
================
Dave Bell

Contact:
================
Phone: London - Details Witheld

Cover Letter:
=================
Sounds beaut mate- let me know if you want a job in London recruitment
agency.

Cheers,

Dave